I wish I could tell you wonderful tales of waking up past noon and sitting around in my boxers, but no such thing has happened as of yet. Somehow, sometimes I feel as though the pressure I felt while being in school is still there - except now with greater financial uncertainty and lack of direction.

When I was younger, I considered emotional maturity and emotional sobriety as some form of stoicism. There was an appeal of pure rationality in the face of all circumstances. To be unaffected by whatever occurs and the ability to make reasonable decisions independent of the gamut of emotions that flow through our hearts is certainly to be praised. Man that must be great. However, CS Lewis put it this way, “We make men without chests and expect of them virtue and enterprise. We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful.” Emotional maturity is not the formulation of algorithms and moral calculi, however we tend gravitate towards these methodologies out of a desire to avoid pain.

The older I get, the more immature I find myself to be. There is a rebellion within my heart that I find myself struggling in the submission of it to God. I see the anger, the bitterness, and my self-centered desires as they battle over my heart. Quite frankly, I’ve been frustrated to no end. I find myself saying, “You know? Just once, it’d be great if things happened to go my way some how.” Yes, feel free to judge me on the selfishness in the statements above. I am already partially cognizant of the depth sin within my heart. While you’re at it, feel free to confront me on the budding desire to punch people in the face.

I find myself praising God for blessing me with ignorance to a certain extent. I would be terribly discouraged if He allowed me to view all of my depravity all at once. It is very easy to forget the implications of imputed righteousness and definitive sanctification. I am sick of my sin. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of the pain that abounds. It is the moments where I wish to be a man without a chest, where I find myself waiting - waiting for our blessed hope that has already redeemed me.

Tit 2:11-14 ¹¹ For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, ¹² training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, ¹³ waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, ¹⁴ who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works.

And so, as I finish writing this, I’ve decided to give my week’s notice at Prime Wings.

Jam 4:1-3 ¹ What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? ² You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. ³ You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

Each and every one of us has responded in anger to the people we presume intentionally stand in the way of what we want. Although the battle is actually within our hearts (v. 1), we attempt to project it onto others (v. 2). I was angry because she made me. I was angry because he said this about me. None of us are entitled to anything in this world, and yet our actions betray the belief in our hearts that we are. Some may perhaps cite the Declaration of Independence:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

Yet, we must recognize that no where in scripture are we entitled to the life, libertarian free will or happiness that many think of (Mar 8:35; Pro 21:1; 2Tim 1:8). As humans, in this fallen world it is ridiculous for us to believe the existence of natural rights simply because of the fraternity of man that we share. As humans, nearly any statement of right that we may vehemently argue for upon the merit of our humanity can simplified to the tantrum of a three year old. I must have it because I said so. The mere statement, “I deserve to be happy,” stands upon what grounds? What merit does natural right possibly have when we are confronted with the vile nature of all of our hearts? It has none.

This is perhaps, what makes grace all the more sweeter - the riches of God that has come at the expense of Christ. In spite of our status as his enemies, our adoption into his family has made us one of his own (Gal 4:4-7) as heirs to the life, freedom and joy that are all in rightful submission to the one true king. Such a view of grace cannot possibly allow us to dare believe that we are so different from Seung-Hui. Cho’s actions are a reflection of all of our hearts. I pray that we may never forget that. We are above no sin, no matter how heinous it may be (1Cor 10:13), nor do our attempts at good works justify us before our God (Luk 18:10-14).

Luk 18:10-14 ¹⁰ “Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. ¹¹ The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. ¹² I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’ ¹³ But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ ¹⁴ I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.”

Prayers and condolences to the victims and their families of the massacre at VT. Today, we are all Hokies.

It is easy for us to fail to remember that God is at work in the lives of those around us. Pain and suffering by no means give indication of a God that is absent or a God that has abdicated His role as the one true King. Rather at times, suffering is an indication of our loving Father that is refining the heart of His child (Heb 2:10-11). This is a truth that we must never forget, lest we believe that we are the ones that bring about change in the lives of our Father’s children. It is for our own good that we serve a God that is zealous for His glory. As His instruments, we are liberated from the crushing responsibility to repair the brokenness wrought by sin. Additionally, this forces us to recognize that our Father is working on us as well. Incomplete and dire need of His grace every moment, we can but point each other away from the futility of neo- and anti-nomainism and to the arms of our Father.

In abusive relationships, the abuser isolates the victim until the point that he or she monopolizes truth in that person’s life. Verbal abuse undermines the victim’s self-efficacy and the exposure to violence can perpetuate fear where the victim can be controlled with a glare, or a biting remark. We have all heard the consternation of those who have loved ones in such a situation, “How can she go back to him?” “Doesn’t she know she will be beaten again if she goes back?” We may view sin merely as a cordial friend that brings trouble when he visits. Yet should we do so, we fail to recognize sin for what it is. Sin is an abusive master that wishes for nothing but our death and will stop at nothing to attain it. For the unbeliever, it is difficult for one to believe that we have been enslaved to sin (John 8: 33). Yet for the believer, it is difficult at times to believe in the definitive freedom from sin that has been imputed upon us. Not only are we free from sin, our father seeks to redeem us from a depths of a fall that we cannot dare fathom - all for an infinitely loving groom that, in shame, we dare not claim to be His bride.

It angers me to see that someone has striven to willfully rob truth from a dear sister of mine – truth about herself, her God and her closest friends. She shows all the signs of trauma, and yet by His grace she has been painfully revealed the truth. There is nothing that I or anyone could have possibly said that could have removed the scales from her eyes. Such work always and forever can only be accomplished by the work of a savior that is zealous for the throne of the heart of His childen.

Rom 8:28-39 ²⁸ And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. ²⁹ For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. ³⁰ And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. ³¹ What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? ³³ Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died–more than that, who was raised–who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. ³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? ³⁶ As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” ³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹ nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Everything seems to be running decently. I haven’t had any major issues so far. Right now, I’m in the process of attempting to add more features and also safeguard against spamming. Other than that, everything is running as it should - except for the main page. I’ll get to it later.

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